Monday, 25 March 2013

Purple People


“Susanna: I am a crazy girl. Seriously.
Tony: You've been in a hospital?
Susanna: Yes.
Tony: Do you see purple people? My friend, he saw purple people. And so the state came and took him away. He didn't like that. Some time went by and, and he told 'em he didn't see purple people no more.
Susanna: He got better.
Tony: Nah, he still sees 'em”.
-          Girl Interrupted

So apparently I am psychotic. My own clinical knowledge says the doctors are right. But my own intuition convinces me they are wrong. Honestly, I feel fine. This so called ‘delusion’ of mine has been going on for a good decade or so. And although it isn’t terribly pleasant at times, I’m coping fine. It doesn’t affect anyone but me. I’m functioning. I’m a good mother. I’m not socially inept (well not completely anyway ;)). I don’t feel that I have lost touch with reality. It’s not like I am running around town in a bed sheet proclaiming to be Jesus.

But that’s what they always say about crazy people. They always think they are sane.

I had an emergency meeting with my new psychiatrist; Dr. Very Long Name, and my psychologist on Monday after the revelation that I could be mad. I sighed heavily during the interview “Oh I knew I shouldn’t have told anyone about this...now you all think that I am crazy!”. “I don’t think you are crazy”, Dr. Very Long Name replied “I think you are psychotic”. Well. That’s comforting ;)

Interestingly they have now assigned me to this “Hospital in the Home” program. I don’t know the details, but apparently nurses will be visiting me daily. Now this is interesting because as I said before. I feel fine. I have lived with this ‘delusion’ for a very long time. Truly, I’m ok.

Yet when I wasn’t ok, when I was desperate for help I didn’t receive it. It’s a strange world.
They have got me on a new drug. An anti-psychotic. Abilify. Worst drug ever! Imagine being so tired you can barely stand up. Then imagine being so restless you can barely keep still. Then chuck a few achy joints into the mix. That is Abilify. I took it for two days then gave up. I have a toddler to look after, a thesis to write, and a goddamn life to lead. I’d had enough of that bullshit.

I don’t believe medication will stop this ‘delusion’. Mostly because I don’t believe I am deluded. I’m wondering if the only way to get out of this is to claim recovery. Perhaps I will have to pretend that I can’t see purple people anymore.

2 comments:

  1. It's only psychosis if you're hallucinating. If you don't see or hear or think of something that in reality isn't there at all, you're not psychotic; i know because i've read 5 books on Bipolar to a point where I knew stuff that my previous psychotherapist and psychiatrist didn't know (I chuck them out for being brainless and got a brainy one the third time)

    This is where, if I may be so bold, advise you to learn about your psychiatrist/therapist and see if she/he really knows about Bipolar because Psychiatry is a wide field and there aren't many specialists for Bipolars. You should read more books about Bipolars from expert Doctors (not the Bipolar for Dummies version but real academic type books).

    Having said that I'm not psychotic although I admit I'm crazy when I have my Major Depression and when I'm Hypomanic but I'm not insane that here lies the distinction;

    Craziness, is merely acting out of norm and normal people do that often and so do we.

    Insanity is when you do things without good reason and this applies to normal people as well; in fact, normal people are more prone to insanity then we are because our perception of reality is heightened by our emotions; our senses and how we feel are so acute that an experience, no matter how insignificant it is, is compelling for us. Whereas normal people are so oblivious to the small details that when the small details compound and accumulate and ultimately becomes something so large; they cannot except the reality and thus fall into madness.

    My point is, Rachael; you're doing fine (^_^) and you must know, and you will know, what is best for you and your mind. I did take Abilify; I'll share with you my meds on G+, you'll it's me by my art-drawn profile

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  2. Hi Ikhwan,

    Thank you so much for your thought, encouragement and advice :) Unfortunately I do appear to hear/see/think things are real when in reality they are not. It is just hard for me to accept they are not, if that makes any sense.

    I like your explanation on craziness and insanity - very interesting. Thank you for your encouragement, I'll contact you to talk about meds etc :)

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